Chutes and ladders

Grief is like a terrible game of chutes and ladders.

One day you feel strong enough to climb those first few rungs, to move your game piece forward, then the next day youre tumbling down this terribly long slide, slipping past the point you started from, and moving your piece back to the start. 

Feeling  defeated  you wonder how you will ever feel brave enough to take another turn, put your foot on the bottom step of the ladder again, knowing you will possibly and most likely end up feeling worse then you did before. 

I wake up in a fog, going through the motions of my day wondering what thing will pull the trigger to my emotions this time, what will send me down the chute.

To you it can be the littlest thing, a smell, a song, a color, but to me, it's the one thing that stops me in my tracks, knocks the wind out of my lungs, and opens the valve to the dam that my tears were safely, but only momentarily, tucked behind. 

The game, no matter how many times it's played, is never the same.

It's exactly the same with grief. 

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

There is no tree 

No stockings 

No lights 

Or holiday things of any kind 

It doesn't feel right and I don't know how I could be happy.

I was supposed to have a one month old and not care about Christmas....

I had imagined our first real tree with a "Baby's first Christmas " ornament hung right in front.  

I had imagined Bugs first Santa photos on the fridge. 

I had imagined a baby stocking hanging between mine and James. 

I had imagined him in his santas little helper onsie and reindeer sleeper...

I had imagined baby snuggles while watching It's a wonderful life... 

And now I get none of those things... 

The holidays are so emotionally draining and depressing this year...

Tears

I'm so incredibly tired of crying 

Of feeling sad 

Of feeling weak

I try I hide it from James

I'm sure he's tired of seeing and hearing my cry

The don't stop coming 

They physically burn my cheek and my face is rubbed raw from the continual wiping 

You don't want them to come but the harder you keep from trying to cry the harder you end up sobbing 

I feel crazy 

I talk to him all the time 

Before it made sense 

He could hear me, he would move 

Now I'm just alone in my house talking to myself 

Sitting awake in the dead of night crying trying not to wake James...

I try not to cry in front of everyone...

But I just need to cry sometimes...

I need this

This song is by far the best representation of how I'm feeling after everything has happened.
I am not ignoring any of you
I am not mad at any of you
I just need space and time to deal with all of this.
I don't feel that I should have to explain myself of what I'm doing, everyone deals with this stuff differently. Some people need other people.
Some people need space.
I just don't want to answer all the questions everyone has.
I have no more answers as to why this all happened.
I just don't want to talk about it again and again right now.
In time it will get easier to do so, but that time is not now.

I need this.

One Month

One month 

4 weeks 

30 days

720 hours

43,200 minutes

2,592,000 seconds

There are days where it feels like it happened yesterday. 

Like I was just told for the first time. 

It's like a broken record, playing over and over again. 

I can't help but talk about him. 

I miss him. 

I want to be making memories with him but I can't. 

I was so excited for all of his firsts that were supposed to happen...

I had imagined his first thanksgiving full of football, the dog show and parade. 

I was so excited for him to meet his aunt for her birthday, his first Christmas photos with Santa and midnight kisses on New Years...

I know I can't sit here and dwell on all the coulda woulda shoulda but I can't help it. 

For now I can only look back at the past.

The last 9 months and remember the good times I had with him...

It was supposed to be different....

I went and picked up my sister today.
She came up for what was supposed to be a super fun birthday weekend and meeting Bug...
Of course seeing her made me cry and think of all the things this visit was supposed to be,
her meeting her nephew for the first time,
coming and seeing me and James
and having fun.
It will be somewhat of a healing weekend for her...shes not been able to really process and grieve like everyone else, and she was really involved in my pregnancy, baby shower, and everything Bug...
I just hope I'm able to keep it together for a portion of her stay.
After I started crying I said I was sorry...I didn't want to ruin her birthday and visit.
She said "There is no way you could ruin it. I don't care about my birthday. I'm here for you."

only for you...

Tis the season for giving

If you are planning on donating to a charity this year, please consider the March of Dimes. Now until 2013 they will match donations 100%. 

Many of my friends and family have already donated in memory of Bug and it means the world to my husband and I. 

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.marchofdimes.com%2F&h=3AQGKKq9s&enc=AZNDE310kTpARTQrosn7Wbg-4pTmffNbLI7Mmryi5_dJRjJ9x1JGarOsiWWg-gc0lOclw26wKoXLUD2b2VjD_XgQcTcTbZXELXYNIFGJqkU-QuWK--f-kcGav0TLkymRDuyqaU0UcCzan0OokkUl5pNe&s=1

Boxes

All I have left of my son is in boxes. 

The drive home from the hospital I had a little memory box on my lap

Leaving the funeral home I had a tiny gold box in my hands

The first time I held my son he was in that tiny gold box. 

A gold box so little you wouldn't even know what to use it for...but my baby is in it.

I for an hour cried and just wanted to hold that box, my baby, our son, but James had quietly taken it away.

It hurts so much to see that box, I cry every time I look at it...

It hurts so much to know that's my baby...

I'm not ready

verb

1. 1.

   prepare (someone or something) for an activity or purpose.

   
   

I'm not ready to make that drive again

To walk through that office

To see their faces 

To be in that room

To talk to the doctor 

I'm not ready for tomorrow...

Shit, I wasn't ready for today...

I'm not ready for the tears I know that are going to come and the emotions I'm going to feel. 

I don't think I'll ever be ready...

I think it's funny 

you don't think you're ever ready to be a parent and you then get 9 months to try and wrap your head around it and finally when you think you're ok 

like a rug it's ripped out from under you...

in a second the air you breathe is gone...

none of these things are you ever ready for...

I know it's coming...but I'll never be ready for it... 

I shouldnt have to say it....

Sometimes not saying anything at all is the best thing...you have no idea how many times Ive heard the wrong things and I just want to scream...I understand everyone goes through loss and grief differently, but please dont tell me how to do it, what I should be feeling or how Im going to feel. Im coping with all of this the best that I can...

Everything hurts

Today is one of those days where every little thing makes me cry. 

I woke up to the today show talking about how a parent should never have to bury their child...that started a whole slew of emotions and feelings and crying...and to top it off the next segment was about baby names...

Stephanie moved all the baby stuff out of the living room before we came home from the hospital and it feels so empty. I was so used to seeing his lamb chair and the pack and play...now it doesn't feel right.

It's my second day home alone since James went back to work and I hate the quiet. 

The funeral home called and that was not a call I was ready for or even expecting...

I honestly don't even know what's happening anymore. 

I don't eat 

I can't sleep 

I just wanna be alone. 

I for the first time let my phone completely shut off for 3 days straight. No phone calls no txts no Facebook no nothing. 

I just want to hibernate and come out when everything is ok again...

 

Thank You

James and I would like to say thank you for the outpouring of love and support during this difficult time. 

We know that some of you are at a loss of words or how to help after the passing of our son. If you would like to help, here's one way we think would be meaningful. 

Donations in memoriam of Bug Buchanan can be made to the March of Dimes, The  Dougy Center or The Starlight Legacy Foundation. 

Any donation ,big or small, is greatly appreciated to any of these foundations for the work that they do and in helping us remember Bug. 

Today is your day

40 weeks of growing you was to come to the happiest of days today by welcoming you into the world. 

I can only hope you passed peacefully and got the warmest and biggest of welcomes when you arrived.

I love you Bug, and wish more then anything that you were here, that we could enjoy your pouty lips, 10 perfect little fingers and toes, and that head full of curly black hair.

But that is not our reality. 

None the less, we still love you, will always love you, and miss you madly. I hope you are happy, safe and sound. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

There are no happy endings.

Endings are the saddest part, 

So just give me a happy middle

And a very happy start.

Shel Silverstein

1 week = 7 days = 168 hours = 10,080 minutes = 604,800 seconds

Time has never gone by so slow...

It has never hurt so much to live another day...

I keep replaying that day over and over again in my mind trying to figure out what I did wrong. 

I keep reliving the moment when she said he was no longer alive. 

I remember how fast the appointment went from us  laughing and joking to me screaming, James crying, then silence. 

It feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground, stomped on it and walked away. 

The first time I ever said my sons  name was for a death certificate

The first time I get to hold my son will be me getting his ashes back 

The ride home from the hospital should have been the scariest yet most exciting drive of our life. 

But instead it was quiet, both of us crying , wishing we were taking our boy home.

My sleepless nights should be full of feedings diaper changes and baby snuggles not my uncontrollable crying. 

And just when you think you can't cry anymore, there is somehow a reservoir of tears your body finds and it starts all over again. 

People should be coming over to the house to offer congratulations not condolences 

They tell you it all gets easier

 I just want to know when. 

RIP BUG

It is with the saddest of hearts we inform you that Marisa delivered our baby boy on November 14th via c section. At the 38 week routine visit that day, no fetal heartbeat was detected. He had unfortunately passed away earlier that morning. We ask that you please give us the time and space we need to grieve, heal and deal with all of this, as for this was not the outcome anyone imagined. 

Well.....

Wide awake, super anxious and just waiting for something to happen. I'm so tired of being pregnant and just want him out!! I'm getting no sleep partly because I'm so uncomfortable and the damn time change especially in my state threw me off. 

I'm pretty sure he's "dropped" since I can now breathe (which is a wonderful feeling ) and the few pants I did fit in fit a little differently. Plus the pressure down there....Lort, I went over a speed bump and I ain't never held my legs so tight together! I thought that thing was gonna pop out on the floor of the car! Hahahaha! Besides that, no changes really. Everything hurts just as bad, I'm still puking up everything annnnnnd like I said before I'm over being preggo. 

T minus 6 weeks!

Had Bugs 34 week appointment on monday! Also booked our hospital walk through and room...which is just ridiculous. I thought we would never get to this point! I can't wait for this to be overrrrrrrr! 

Called around and "interviewed" and will soon meet with some pediatricians and make a decision soon. I feel like all the big important things are done. Still gotta pack mine and Bugs bags, install the car seat and finish up his room but I have no drive to do any of those things. I'm so tired hungry and sore that all I do is eat and sleep! 

Saturday we have maternity/anniversary photos and on Sunday I will be 35 weeks! 

Lets just get this over with!! 

A chair is just a chair...

Welp things are staring to come together! Bugs room has been painted, crib put up and clothes starting to get organized, but once he's here I'm sure it will all feel real. 

I just barfed in my mouth...a little...

This indigestion is killing me. It's not heart burn (thank goodness) but I can't lay down flat. I am very conscious about what I eat and I eat small meals but this is ridiculous! The past few nights I've had to sleep propped up... 

Lets hope this passes soon... 

Who am I kidding...

I gotta go refluff my pillows and hope I can get some sleep. 

T minus 8 weeks!

Bug had his 32 week appointment today and things are looking great!! 

James got to see him on the ultrasound and hear the heartbeat which was the first time since 20 weeks so that's always exciting :) 

He FINALLY flipped and is head down ready for his big arrival! 

We got all the information to look for birthing classes, pediatricians, and all things baby for life here on the island so things are slowly coming together! 

I think once the room is painted and the crib is up things will be real! 

(Yes I'm 32 weeks and still in a state of denial...don't judge me) 

I don't need a napkin

I have my stomach! Hahaha! I'm really bad about it too so my shirts at the end of the day have questionable stains and food makeup or whatever remnants on it. And what's even worse is I don't know I'm doing it till after the damage is done haha! Only a few more weeks of a napkin belly! 

Look at dat!

Saw my little man today! He got a completely healthy checkup measured 3-3.5lbs! Kidneys are normal which was why we were seeing him in the first place.    Got lots and lots of ultrasound pics for his baby book and can't wait to show them to his daddy who I get to finally be with next week!!!!!!!! 

We are 29 weeks and getting closer and closer to his arrival which they are now saying is November 20th so who knows when he makes his debut, as long as its before thanksgiving!! 

Do you wanna fanta? No no I do not.

Had my glucose test yesterday. Was by far the nastiest thing I've ever tasted in my life. Little man was kicking away like mad after I drank it tho hahah. 

I am again healthy as a horse, gained 8 lbs and little one is measuring around 3 so were doing great! My sister came to her first baby appointment with me and got to hear his heartbeat which was really cool, she said it sounded like a jelly fish hahaha. 

The ob commented on how at 6 months preggo I have fabulous legs/ankles and have only gained a  baby belly so that makes me feel  better. Although I still look and feel like a whale. 

Specialist appointment next week with my mom then one more appointment in Oregon then I'm on my way to Washington for the home stretch! This baby should start raking in some travel miles! Hahaha 

So....

Dr. Dr. Give me the news

Had a dr appointment yesterday! Baby is growing great and I am healthy as a horse. I finally gained 3 lbs since my last visit so that's somewhat good news but they want me gaining more! I feel like a whale already but I guess I need to be more whale like hahaha! Baby is still breach so we hope it moves sometime soon but who knows. Got another appointment in 3 weeks for the super not so fun sugar test and an ultrasound with the specialist at 28 weeks :) Still sicker then a dog somedays like today, but at getting better. 

Put your hip into it.....

3 days now of terrible hip pain. It sucks and add me being a vomit zombie today hasn't made things any better. 23 weeks and baby still hates me! It's very active and I've  been able to catch it on tape and send it to James now that we're coasts apart.

 My sister has the baby shower totally planned already! She has had made the gender revealing invites, games, crafts, foods, decorations, you name it. She's pretty excited and I'm amazed she got it all done ! 

But I'm done and over today and need to go to bed since I feel like death....

Lets hope tomorrow is better! 

I'm home!!!!!

I am back in Portland an couldn't be happier! Flight was good, very sore the next day but I have to remember I was only 8 weeks last time I traveled. Tomorrow I will be 22 weeks! Had my first baby appointment here in Oregon and everything was great! Met my new doctor, asked all the questions I had and got all the paperwork to register for delivery. I also made my first baby purchase this past week, a cute little onsie and pants. Still haven't told everyone what this little one is and I know certain people are going crazy! It's just a nice little secret that James and I have right now but I'm sure we will have to share sooner or later. The name we are not telling anyone and I definitely won't let that one slip since we don't even have one figured out yet :) I got another appointment in a few weeks but baby is healthy and big and growing wonderfully! 

To the left, to the left.

Baby seems to be most active when I want to sleep and when I lay on my left side. But the other day I was sitting down and noticed my big ol belly move to the left. Baby is getting bigger and stronger! I'm officially 20 weeks today which means Ive made it to the halfway point....thank god! Baby still hates me and makes me sick but its not as bad as it has been. Its hard to put on my shoes, and my feet are slowly starting to disappear, and Im milking my normal clothes as long as I can so I dont have to wear those dreaded maternity clothes. My baby belly is pretty high so I am able to wear a belly band and fit in my regular pants, but its not gonna last much longer. I see some pants crafting in my near future, or Im just gonna live in dresses for the rest of the summer. Although I totally suck at being a lady so that might not be the best idea....hahaha

Kicking and Screaming

Baby is just fine and obviously getting bigger since I can now feel kicking on the right side which I wasn't able to feel before. I swore I felt it with my hand the other night so James has been constantly rubbing le belly to try and feel something. The baby and I have conversations while its kicking and James often asks are you talking to me or your tummy. I scream at it when it won't calm down or let me get comfortable, its pretty funny.
I am still the vomit zombie which realllllllllly sucks and is getting old. I swear I'm not making up how often it is nor how aweful it is. So glad this is going by fast and won't ever be happening again!
Found an obgyn in Portland, so I'm getting ready for my big move back home. I'm excited yet nervous since I'll again be away from James but its what's best. A few more appointments here in Virginia, then I'm done with this terrible place!

There's an app for that....

Never did I realize how many pregnancy apps there were! And they all have contradicting information...it makes things very confusing. For example, the size of your baby. One week its an apple, the next week its a peach, then the week after that its an avocado? I've seen some peaches that get much larger then apples and since when is an avacado bigger then a peach...James and I are highly confused! Needless to say, I've kinda stopped using them since some are very graphic and just freak me out. At times I don't wanna know what's happening to my body... I already know its changing! But onto more exciting news.....

We had a 16 week ultrasound and saw the baby! You could count the little fingers and toes which was pretty cool. It kept making fishy faces and waving its little arms which was unreal...it also has a very cute little nose....I think it has mine :) You could fully see the spine and ribs which James thought was pretty cool and we saw how it was laying in there. We hadn't seen it since it was a little 8 week old gummy bear so seeing how much its grown in just 8 more week was insane! It's growing and healthy and all my labs came back normally. I have not gained any weight in all of this, since I'm still so sick, so they hope I put some weight on soon! Baby Buchanan is taking everything from me! It's officially Sunday so I'm 17 weeks and time is just flying by!

Under Pressure

16 weeks
It's starting to get uncomfortable and very crampy or tight I guess. Ob said its normal since baby is growing! Had my tummy measured at my last appointment and its official: I'm bumpin! I've felt the baby move since about 10 weeks but its getting stronger and more frequent. Poor James still can't feel it but I hope it happens before I head home here soon!
We went to Baby R Us and looked around and registered for a bunch of things since a lot of the family has been asking. It's was overwhelming and really nerve wracking....I think its all just becoming real! I think it'll all set in when we find out what it is at around 20-21 weeks.
And I'm just gonna say it now, since there is always someone that has something to say about everything and I'm getting tired of it:
Yes we know we can do it early we are choosing not to!
It gives us time to plan a gender reveal, and whatever else we want or need to do.....but don't worry you all will be informed what it is when its time!

I've got a party in my pants!....well uterus....

Baby is a mover! I've felt it for a while now but today it is happening a lot. If I could best describe it, it feels like popcorn kernels hitting the bag . Pop! Pop! Pop pop pop!
I think its funny that it starts moving the moment I try to get some sleep. It also gets really active when I listen to music which is pretty cool. In the beginning I couldn't really tell the difference between it moving and gas bubbles and was always saying "stay clear! Its gonna be a bad day down there!". Then nothing would happen. Hahaha!
I really hope James gets to feel it before I head home since I know that's a big deal for him and I don't want him to miss out on these kinds of things, but for now I just let him know "its moving" and he just smiles and rubs my belly :)

"How did you name your blog?!"

So Ive now had a few people ask how I came up with the name for my blog. I am totally obsessed with Toni Braxton and their family show on  WE TV. The family is hilarious and I looooooove how they bust out into song for everything (just like me, I wish I had a choir following me all the time hahah) Anyways when I found out I was preggers (and after the shock wore off) I would always find myself singing this! And thus came the name of my blog! (I apologize if you are on mobile reading this the videos don't show up and every time I try to fix it it won't save the settings!)

Once upon a time, there was a little thing called sleep...

I have not been able to sleep for the life of me. Ever since I hit my second trimester, its proving more and more difficult to get comfortable and I'm constantly peeing! I tried withholding liquid like an hour before I go to bed....does nothing. I am still up woken up, every two hours on the dot, to go pee....
Unisom, tea, baths, James rubbing my back, music, totally dark room, nothing works. I'm starting to feel like I'm going crazy.

Get up on this!

I dont know why, but James and I have always had a place for this song in our hearts, so every time I start dancing, one of us starts singing this. I feel a remix or recorded preggo dance to this song coming on....hahahaha

Oh this song never gets old.....and whats worse is James said hes going to start playing this when I go into labor...ugh...the song will never be the same!

First look at Lil Nasty!!

At 8 weeks we got our first look at the gummy bear!
Even for being as sick as I was, I still am in denial about being preggo and had a massive freak out at the Doctor office.  But with the amazing staff and of course James, I calmed down enough to get everything done, and we got our first look!

Ready or not here I come!

Week 4
We found out we were preggo! There were no other tell tale signs other then I was 2 days late for my period and I'm always on time.
We ran to walgreens and bought about $50 worth of tests, Redvines and Swedish Fish, all the essentials! Earlier in the week I had scratched my eye so I was wearing my glasses, which I really don't function well in. As I was trying to pee on the first test, my glasses fell off and I totally missed the stick. James was playing video games and said "Only MY WIFE would totally mess up a pregnancy test!!" So 30 minutes, and alot of water later, I peed into a cup (like a champ!)
I sat on the tub and waited the 3 minutes it said to wait and I saw the first little line was blue and I screamed "JAMES??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Don't play with me right now!!!"
"I'M NOT GET IN HERE!"
I, still sitting on the tub started crying in shock and James just came into the bathroom, looked at it and smiled.
"WERE HAVING A BABY, BABY!" is all I remember then I went into my ugly Oprah cry (that full on mouth open, snot and tears running down your face cry)
"I'm gonna get fat, and I cant go back to work, or school, my life is ruined, I'm gonna look like a cow, or a manatee, or whatever is big and ugly!"
Alot of reassuring and cuddling I finally calmed down, we talked over a bunch of things, and figured out what we had to do from there.

Week 5-8
Week 5 was very crampy.
Week 6-8 was hell.
I was one of those oh so lucky women to have ALL DAY SICKNESS! First, let me start off by saying everything came up. Water, ginger ale, gatorade, lemonade, yogurt, oatmeal, granola bars, nuts, crackers, preggie pops, tea, potato chips etc etc etc. I have a list of about 40 things we tried and I will never eat again.

Vomiting in the Buchanan house hold is an event it went a little something like this :

1) Start feeling sick
2) Yell "JAMES"
3) See James run
4) Puke my guts out (While this is happening James is rubbing back and being an amazing puking coach)
5) Get me washcloth
6) Walk me back to bed, get me to drink some water, tuck me in and
7) Repeat

I love that now, we are so in sync, that all I gotta say is JAMES and he comes a runnin' to the bathroom, from no matter where he is :) ( Yes ladies hes an amazing man. And no ya cant have him)
At the first visit to the obgyn I got some meds, they sometimes help, but alot of the time they came up too.  After this experience, I am not lying when I say this will be my one and only. I aint doing this shit again!