5 years

157,852,800 seconds

2,630,880 minutes

43,848 hours

1827 days

Since I lost my son.

This year was another weird one. 

I wasn't in Whidbey, nor Japan with James. 

It was obviously on the fore front of my mind, as it always is in November.

James and I oddly had a conversation about it when he asked for pictures of Bug, since in the divorce I was awarded all of his things.

Being in Japan, it was a day earlier for him, we exchanged brief words about it, the pics I have, and we remembered our son.

But that was it.

He is no longer that person or comfort to me anymore.

I posted my pic of him early in the morning around the time we were told he passed.

I was really scared this year because I showed more of him then I ever have before.

Other loss moms have shared full photos only to be told their baby looked dead or ugly and I honestly couldn't bear the thought of anyone saying such a thing.

So I shared the most "normal" picture I had of him, turned off my notifications and went to bed.

My dad took Boov to and from daycare today because I just don't ever function on this day.

He brought him home and he immediately left back to work.

But Boov knew I was sad and was constantly touching me the entire evening.

I tried not to cry but I couldn't help it, and he immediately said
"Oh mama, don't be sad. Its ok."

And gave me a hug.

Which of course only made me cry harder.

I finally got it together enough to do our night night routine, Boov calls it butt books and bed.

But when it came to say good night I leaned in for the hug and he started rubbing my back, and rocking back and forth.

He finally crawled into my lap and let me rock him like when he was little, while he sang rock a bye baby to me, as I was in full on ugly tears, crying all over his face and head.

But not once did he stop, or brush off a tear, or snot.

He just sat there on my lap, singing, rocking and patting...

Eventually the swaying slowed, the patting stopped, his singing became a whisper and he was snoring, asleep in my arms.

Boov somehow knew exactly what I needed.

I just wish my lap had two little boys.

4 years

1,461 days

35,064 hours

2,103,840 minutes

126,230,400 seconds

since I lost my son.

I honestly can say that this anniversary has been one of the hardest ones to date. 

Im not at 1449 Central.

I am no longer on Whidbey Island where everything happened.

Im not around the people that understood the magnitude of this day.

I wasn't able to do the things I would normally do to make this day feel "better" 

I didn't get out of bed until 3pm today.
Every little thing made me cry.
I only talked to two people
and I don't care that I did what I did.
Its just what I do to get through this month, these weeks, this day.

I didn't even make it into 2 minutes of return to zero and the uncontrollable crying started.

I always watch this movie 

alone 

on this day, 

and I knew this year it wouldn't be any different.

But for the first time I didn't finish it.
I don't know if I will. 

I was talking with my girlfriend the other day and she asked do you ever look at your life, like you're an outsider looking in, like you aren't really living it?

I said yes.

All the time. 

I still can't believe this day happened. 

I can't believe this happened to me.

You ask me about November 13th and 14th and I can still give you an exact play by play.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Im sure if you asked any loss mom she could tell you the same

I replay this day in my mind over and over again

wondering what I did wrong

what did I miss

why didn't I know

could I have changed the outcome of this day in any way...

I wish more then anything that day ended differently.

And I will for the rest of my life. 

And so it begins....

The beginning of November is always an interesting time for me.

And this year not being home or at least stateside has seemed to make a big difference. 

I can feel myself starting to retreat back into my feelings, mourning, grief, 

whatever you want to call it at this point

while simultaneously lashing out at the people that are closest to me

and only trying to help...

There are many new people in my life at the moment,

who won't or don't understand what these next few weeks will entail. 

They don't understand why the smell of a pumpkin spice latte makes me sick.

or why a certain song will instantly bring me to tears. 

And when I snap or retreat into myself, not answering texts, calls or messages its because Im emotionally spent and just need some time to myself. 

I constantly ask myself when November is going to become easier...

Birthdays...

National Sibling Day

Just another day to remind me that I don't have my son.

And Carter doesn't have his big brother.

With everyone posting pictures of their kids with siblings, it was just another day to not be on Facebook...and there are a lot of those.

The one time I did actually scroll through Facebook today this picture popped up.

Big Hero 6 was the movie I saw on Bug's first anniversary.
Movies were a safe place for me, yes I got out of the house, but I could sit there in the dark and no one would see me.
I didn't have to interact, since everyone was focused in something else. 

We unknowingly went thinking it was a movie about this robot and the boy that created it and man, were we wrong. Even in reading the overview, it said nothing about the big brother dying....

I was bawling in the theatre, and so not ready for the plot line, especially on that day and being 8½ months pregnant.

I still can't watch that movie without crying, but of course, Carter loves it and always asks to watch it on "those days" 

Someday I'll explain it to him...

Just not today...

Here's to you big brother Bug. 

Balalalalalala

Please don't tell me happiness is a choice.....

Trust me 

I want to be happy 

but when you have a baby die

its not always that easy. 

My grief makes people uncomfortable. and I get it. 

So 99% of the time 

I fake it till I make it.

Only my real friends have seen me at my lowest of lows.

Seen me cry when talking about Bug. 

And telling them things not everyone knows.

Talking about a baby dying is not easy

I wish I didn't have to do it

And no one understands. 

You may say that you do 

and as a loss mom that is the most hurtful sentence to use 

IF YOU HAVE NEVER LOST A CHILD YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND 

YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND

PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU DO! 

Dont say that you were there for me when you weren't. 

Dont act like it was hard on you....

And don't tell me that happiness is a choice. 

As someone that suffers from anxiety, depression and ptsd 

from everything that has happened in my life since then.

please don't tell me that one chooses to be happy. 

I do not get to choose how I feel every day.

I wish I did.

I wish the littlest of things didn't give me a panic attack.

I wish that getting out of bed was as easy for everyone else on a daily basis.

I wish that I had a picture perfect life like you make it seem your life is....

I want nothing more then to be happy and have a normal life.

But that again is not the reality that I live in.

Not since that day in November when my son died. 

Not since I came home empty handed from that hospital....

My happiness left that day when my son did....

Today is always a hard day.

I think every mother to be remembers the exact day they found out they were pregnant for the first time, and every time.

So today is always a hard day.

If you've followed our journey, you know that four years ago today we found out we were pregnant.
It was a day that forever changed our lives.
It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

My pregnancy was not easy, I was miserable the entire time...

But I would do it all over again...and I did.

I just wish we would have had our baby.

Stillbirthday Doula

It is ironic that on valentines day,
the 14th,
a day about love,
I decided to take the plunge and enroll to become a birth and bereavement doula. 
I have wanted to do it for a while now, but unsure as to how my own journey with grief and mourning would play into it.
Per my understanding and research, upon the completion of my schooling, I will be able to offer my services to mothers about to give birth, for both live births, or births with poor pregnancy outcomes  at any stage.
As emotional as the entire experience of a stillbirth is, looking back on it, I wish I had someone who could help me with what to expect, what my mind body and soul would go through.
Someone willing to help me with what was the hardest journey of my life...
Again, not everyone's journey is the same, everyone deals with their loss and grief differently. Some people may want a guiding hand, others may want to go through this alone.
But I feel like if I can help another mother or family, its the next step in my grieving and remembrance of Bug. 

Goodbye Whidbey

Leaving the island was the second hardest part of this trip.
So much happened here, both happy and sad.
But leaving the last place we had Bug was hard.
I took a video going off the island, and it was so weird it was sunny and warm, just like the first time I drove onto the island.
Me leaving this island felt like déjà vu.
It hadn't really hit me yet till I looked back at the bridge and realized I had driven over it for the last time.
I know someday in my lifetime I will go back to that island, just don't know when.
But I know for my soul, and for Bug, I will make it back.

1449 Central Dr

We are officially no longer the tenants of 1449 Central Dr.

And I'm kinda shocked it hit me as hard as it did. 

Walking in and seeing the house empty, reminded me of walking in there September of  2013 and being pregnant with Bug. 

We walked around there planning how the house was gonna look, how his room was going to be, and all the memories we were going to have made there with our first son. 

Here I am, at the end of our time here, with one son, not two, and with Carter. Not Bug.

Don't get me wrong I love Carter, but it was supposed to be different. 

We should be a family of 4. 

I should be wrangling two toddlers on this international adventure. 

All of our paperwork should be a family of 4.

To most people its not a big deal, but its just been a painful reminder for the past few months that Bug isn't here. 

She wanted to be with her daughter....

The passing of Debbie Reynolds hit me way harder then I thought it would.

Yes I loved singing in the rain, but it was more so what she said as, what where reportedly, her last words.

She just wanted to be with her daughter.....

After having lost Bug, I totally believed that I could have died of a broken heart.

The pain in my chest every day was unbearable.

I wanted more then anything to be with him, but knew that there was no way I could leave James alone to deal with the passing of both Bug and I.

2016 has just been cruel.

There have been so many deaths in the month of December, both of celebrities,  aquantinces, and people in the community.

James coworker lost his wife and kids in a house fire.

A karaoke friend lost her 3 month old daughter to SIDS on Christmas Eve morning.

And a lady slid off the icy road and her two young daughters died in a car fire.

I am immediately "dropped" back into the feeling, emotions, tastes and smells of the labor and delivery room where I was recovering from my c section.

Seeing James there waiting for me to wake up and all I could say over and over again was "I'm so sorry"

That feeling in my chest and stomach won't go away.

When putting Carter to bed tonight I had to keep myself from crying. 

If anything ever happened to that kid, I'd be done. 

I feel so deeply for these people who are now, just beginning their journey with grief and mourning.

2017, please be gentle.

3 years

1096 days
26,304 hours
1,578,240 mintues
98,694,400 seconds
Since I lost my son. 

Today is always a hard day. 

I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself last night 
while watching Return to Zero
and crying uncontrollably. 
I was feeling slightly hungover but honestly I didn't give a shit. 
A tiny hangover is nothing compared to the feelings that surface from the death of your baby. 

I didn't leave my room for almost the whole day. 
But Carter knew I was in there and kept coming by the door and knocking...
This was the first anniversary that James and I were together since it happened.

On the first anniversary we were 8+ months pregnant with Carter and I was just hiding out in the house away from everyone until James took me to a movie.
Last year I was alone with an 11 month old and it was hell.
Thank god Jet came over to help me out that day. 
And this year James was home and with Carter while I was all in my feelings in my room.

Ignoring everything and everyone. 

Because that's what I do. 

And how I feel.

On this day in 2013, I wished everything would just stop.

In what world is it ok for my baby to die and for everyone else to just keep on living like nothing happened??!!

I guess this one. 

Because the next day came,
and I was still here, 
in a hospital bed,
recovering from a c-section 
and the 9 month pregnancy from hell
with nothing
and I mean nothing 
to show for it. 

I wasn't taking home a baby. 
I wasn't about to start the most exciting time of my life.
I wasn't about to look at James and say oh my god, 
were parents, now what do we do.

I was wheeled out of labor and delivery
with a small pastel green box
and a baby blanket.

No baby. 

Bug Buchanan 

11/14/13

1:48pm

5 lbs 8oz

18 inches long 

Tattoos

James and I had a rare weekend away 
since his mum came up and watched Carter for our anniversary.

We decided to do something spontaneous and agreed upon getting Bug tattoos. 
It had been almost three years, and we thought it would be a good idea. 

I called around to a couple of places, and finally found a place that was taking walk ins. 
At the beginning the artist seemed like a cool guy, then the appointment got worse.

James went first and decided to get a version of the Bug lamp we have in Carters room.
I had wanted Bug on the inside of my ring finger, but the artist shot that down really quick.

There is a very specific tattoo I wanted for him, that I just was not ready to get. 
I wanted to loose some weight first, and go to my artist back home.

So after shooting down all my ideas, I feel like I finally settled on a hand drawn tattoo and placement. 

And I didn't want to settle.

Bug deserves so much more. 

Anyways, James started on his tattoo, and not even a line in he passes out....
So that put a damper on the rest of the appointment....
Finally he comes to, eats something, and finishes his tattoo.

Then the artist comes to me and asks me if I had thought of something. 
I had been previously looking at butterfly tattoos, which he mentioned, and I said yeah, I was considering it. 
He then asked the meaning of a butterfly and for the first time during the appointment I explained what it meant. 

And then began the verbal diarrhea of everything you shouldn't say, that Ive heard so many times now began......

"Oh, I didn't know he died"

"Dont have it be a sad tattoo"

"Memorial tattoos are weird" 

And I was baffled. 

Who are you to tell me what I want to put on my body??

Who are you to tell me that I should feel a certain way about a tattoo??

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU???!!!!

So after fighting with him about what and where I wanted it, I got it done, but Im not in love with it and it makes me feel awful. 

So he starts the tattoo and I start feeling sick. 
I don't know if it was my nerves after having seeing James pass out. 
I don't know if it was three years of wanting a specific tattoo and not getting it 
I don't know if it was the meaning and sentiment behind the tattoo that he shot down and made me mad about....

But I started having a full on panic attack and I couldn't take it....

He just kept telling me to lay down and calm down, I'm overthinking things, Ill be fine....

again all the things you dont tell someone when they are having a panic attack...

But I made it through the tattoo, its there on my wrist, and Carter points at it and says Bug all the time....


Needles to say,I can't wait to get the tattoo Ive wanted from the beginning.....

And I wont let anyone change my mind about any of it....

2 years 8 months

973 days 

23,352 hours 

1,401,120 minutes 

84,067,200 seconds 

since I lost my son 
Another holiday without him
and many of you may think the 4th isn't a holiday,
but being together with family and friends makes it feel like one. 

We had a bbq here at the house with a few friends. 
And we took Carter to the 4th of July parade earlier in the day,
but there is just a lingering feeling of someone missing.
I don't think I will ever get over that.....

2 years 7 months

943 days 

22,632 hours 

1,357,920 minutes 

81,457,200 seconds 

since I lost my son. 

I recently went to Vegas, and it was crazy to see how many families were there.
And I couldn't help but think 
had it been a family trip,
that James and I would have had two little boys running around
enjoying the pools and buffets. 
And trying to find things to keep two toddlers entertained. 

It seriously doesn't register with people who haven't lost someone
how every little thing that you do 
reminds you of the shoulda woulda couldas 
with that person.

Not that I would ever wish what happened on my worst enemy...
but your life is never the same. 
As much as you want it to go on normally,
it just doesn't. 

2 years 6 months

912 days

21,888 hours

1,313,280 minutes

78,796,800 seconds 

since I lost my son. 

It's weird having time hop, or on this day pop up on my phone. 

And I know if I go far enough back 

it'll have stati of me puking 

or being hungry

or some Bug related pregnancy post. 

It just hurts.

I recently read a blog about a loss mom who

hates looking back on her pictures 

because she obliviously smiled 

and thought everything would be ok.

I can't look back at myself and say that I hate "her"

I just can't look at "her" the same way

Nor could I ever prepare "her" for the rest of "her" life

knowing how different it would be..... 

2 years 5 months

76,204,800 seconds

1,270,080 minutes

21,168 hours

882 days

since I lost my son

If only April wasn't so painful.

I don't think that it will ever get easier, like I've said before.

Specific dates come around and it's like I was put back on that date in 2013... 

We were so engulfed in the fact that we were pregnant. 

I was sicker then a dog but trying to hide it since we didn't want to announce yet. 

Stupidly we thought telling everyone on our birthday was a great idea, and also because James was sending me home for my birthday and me not drinking would have given it away. 

I urge mothers in my stillbirth and baby loss groups, then when they are pregnant, to not announce on a holiday.

Some listen, and the ones that don't, then message me and say,

 I should have listened. 

2 years 4 months

851 days

20,424 hours 

1,225,440 minutes

73,526,400 seconds 

since I lost my son.

I cant say that things are getting easier
This time of year 
I'm reminded of us finding out we were pregnant later this month
and announcing in April.
These few months are just as hard as the end of the year with November being a bad month.
Its like its the beginning of the pregnancy plays all over again
and I sit here and wonder if I hadnt done this or that would he be here
Is it something that I did in the beginning of the pregnancy that would have changed the outcome...
People think that the worst day is the day that you lost them...
bot honestly its every day since then since you play every little thing over in your mind.....

2 years 3 months/ Valentine's Day

882 days

19,728 hours

1,183,680 minutes

71,020,800 seconds

since I lost my son 

Like every year it will land on Valentines day. 

Which makes the day bittersweet. 

This year was hard,but we kept ourselves busy.

Its always at night when the thoughts come flooding in along with the feelings. 

I've played in my mind over and over again our ob saying

"This is where the heartbeat should be, and there isn't one"

Valentines day being about hearts and love and baby cupids. 

Its just a weird sad and useless holiday now. 

His heart stopped. 

My heart is broken.

Things will never be the same. 

The Zoo

I was supposed to take Carter to the zoo today
but the weather here in Portland was awful
and I was not about to drag him around in the rain.
I also was so pleasantly reminded that the last time I was at the zoo
I was pregnant with you.
I honestly wasn't ready to go back there.
I knew that it would be emotional.
I dreamed so many times about taking you to the zoo.
Getting elephant ears, eating lunch looking at the birds,
and taking you to the goat petting zoo....
And all of these things my mum was so excitedly was talking about doing with your brother.
And I just wanted to cry.
There was a movie that  I watched alot after your passing called we bought a zoo
It was constantly on repeat on HBO and I just never changed it.
I loved the book and thought sure, Ill lay here and watch the movie.
But the memorable quotes were the 20 seconds about courage.
And the one about never being ready.....
I will never be ready to walk back into that place........