St. Patricks Day

Last year on this day was the first time I knew something was up... 

I had gone out with a friend for the days festivities and honestly just wasn't feeling it. 

I didn't feel like drinking but did but never got a buzz. I was so incredibly tired after only being out for the afternoon that I couldn't even make it to the bar hopping round and dancing to come later in the evening. James had duty that day but had luckily gotten off early and was able to come pick me up. 

I remember him asking me if everything was ok and I said I thought so I just wasn't feeling like being out anymore. 

At this point the only symptoms I was having was waking up in the morning tasting like I had sucked on pennies. 

The bloody coppery taste is from the increase of blood supply and hormonal changes in your body for the new baby...but honestly I thought and knew nothing of it being a symptom till later...my boobs never hurt, I never really cramped and this early in the month I hadn't missed my period yet... 

Oh how things were about to change.... 

Return to Zero

I am so incredibly excited for this movie to come out and lift the taboo that is on stillbirth and grieving. 

More people need to know about this and I am hoping this movie is a way to get the word out to people who dont understand. 

Four Months

17 weeks 

120 days

2880 hours 

172,800 minutes 

10,368,000 seconds 

since I found out I wasn't having a baby anymore.... 

Time is going by so fast now, and in reality I just want it to stop. 

Every day is a reminder 

of what should have been

and it just hurts. 

We should have a 4 month old baby right now

just let that sink in....

Season 4 Episode 12 The Getaway

I used to binge watch tv shows on Netflix while I was pregnant.
I was so sick all I could do was lay down, nap and watch tv.
But I cant watch that show
I cant watch that episode.

I was so into the show
I was oblivious what was happening in my body
But my Dr has told me many times
there wouldn't have been any signs.

I can tell you exactly what I had for dinner
I can tell you what I was doing while I was eating dinner
I can tell you when I went to bed
I can tell you when I went and got snacks and water

and bathroom breaks

but I cant
for the life of me tell you or

know why or how my son died...

I never sleep on the nights of the 13th...

Or any other night for that matter

Sadness

Every Storm

)





Not a huge country fan but heard this song in the car with my husband today and its pretty fitting.

Made me feel a little better

That Office

I hate walking into that office. 
I have to go there at least once every month.
Today there was only one brand new baby
but still...
It doesn't make it any easier. 
There is birthing class info
breast feeding info 
and baby info everywhere in there.
They are pretty good about getting us in and out which is nice....
But I'd love to have to not go back there for a while 
at least till its a happy appointment
And with that comes a new slew of emotions
which is a battle I can only fight once we get to it.
whats that one saying?

The battle is won, but the war is not over...

yeah...
that.... 

Rainbow Baby

Ive joined a few Facebook groups to support grieving parents of stillbirths and miscarriages, and there is a VAST difference...

for those of you that don't know :

a miscarriage is the loss of a fetus prior to the 20th week of a pregnancy 

a stillbirth is the loss of a baby in the womb past the 28th week of a pregnancy 

however to each grieving parent their own, and then there is the grey area between 20-28 weeks. 
None the less, a loss is a loss. But in speaking to other parents who have had full born still births , the same thing comes up. 

How do you prepare yourself for the baby to come ( and in these communities it's called the rainbow baby) 

Not gonna lie: I'm scared shitless but I want it so bad I'll have to power through. 

May be tmi for some of you but my last cycle my period was a whole week late. 

The internal freak out that happened every day it was late was so emotionally  draining I almost cried with tears of joy when my period came... But then at the same time I was sad. 

I for a second though omg this might be it...we might finally be having a baby! 

The mind fuck comes when you realize you have to do this all over again. 

To know the first ultrasound won't be Bug.

The first little flutters I feel won't be his. 

The kicks and movements, sickness and emotions invested all over again will be for someone else...

And to have to go through all of it again and not have another baby at the end of it would do me in...

I don't want to get excited all over again. 

I don't want to make another room 

pick out names 

or clothes 

....

And I definitely can't pick out another urn...

Quilt

I went into town today and talked to a lady about possibly starting a quilt for Bug.
There are alot of them on Pinterest that parents do with all their onsies from the first year of their babies life.
I loved the idea and in turn had everyone make onsies for his baby shower (for all of you that came there was a reason for them!)
I of course went in with a game plan and a script....
I thought I could just walk in and say
I want to make a quilt...

well its not that easy...
she asked what kind of quilt I wanted to make
and immediately the throat lump tears and shaking started.

I explained my situation
and she said she had lost twins and did the same thing with their clothes.

She then in turn went more into depth about what kind of quilt I wanted. Patters, colors, fabrics etc.
I think the hardest thing was her saying how I had to figure out the pattern and how I wanted to cut the onsies...
CUT HIS CLOTHES?! 

I knew you had to cut fabric to make your quilt...but it totally blanked my mind that I would have to cut HIS clothes...I can't even go into that room just yet, let alone go through his things to figure out the quilt, to then go and cut his clothes...

The reality of what I had to do to his things to make the quilt that I wanted proved far more difficult then I expected. The lady kindly offered that when it was time, she could just take all the onises and make the quilt the best that she could.
But I dont know how I feel about that.
I thought that it would be a good kind of closure for me...

But first, I have to open up that door...

Oh? So you're pregnant?!

My reaction to people announcing has changed drastically... 

I used to be the person super excited about it and anxiously wondering what they were having

Now it's a are you fucking kidding me?! 

I know it's a terrible thing but I can't help it

I didn't think we were ready but we were more then able to provide for a baby...

James and I had and have a stable relationship and were more then excited after the initial freak out. 

We had and still have a stable living situation 

We immediately started him his own baby savings account the week we found out we were pregnant and are still putting money into it. 

We have healthcare and everything was covered. 

We bought him everything he could have possibly needed and more.

We were so ready it was disgusting. 

Then I find out people not in stable relationships 

Drinking till they were 12 weeks along

Smoking or doing drugs 

Living questionable lifestyles 

Not having a place to live or anything for their babies 

Having 

Perfectly 

Healthy 

Babies

I am in no way shape or form saying were better then anyone else but it makes me ask myself over and over again what did we do wrong to have this happen to us?! 

I've Got Sunshine....

Today was the first sunny day in a while 

and I thought that going outside in the backyard would be nice.

I let the girls run around while I was practicing one foot balances

and out of nowhere a little boy went running down the path by my house...

There is a playground behind out house here.

I remember sitting outside with James once we moved here 

and talking about how excited we would be to push Bug around in his stroller on walks

have him run around that park

playing lava monster and tag and whatever other game he wanted to play

learning how to ride his trike on that path 

To have picnics and bbqs there.

To do family things...

And of course, after seeing that little boy run down the path

I got teary eyed...

I dont know what saddened me more...

The fact that none of this I will ever experience with Bug 

or the fact that this little boy's mother was nowhere in sight...

I would do anything to have had time with my Bug

to see him grow

to see him play on that jungle gym

I hate seeing other people take moments like this for granted...

As it started getting darker and colder the little boy finally ran off (and hopefully home) 

I went and sat on that jungle gym...

and

cried. 

Lets get together....ok...maybe not...

I had a get together at my house
for the first time
since everything happened
and to be completely honest
I had the panic attack of the century before everyone came over
To have new people in my house
To have to play hostess
To put on the face....

I don't know how I felt about the whole thing...

I will be the first to admit
I drank a bit too much
but I didn't care
(it was the third time I drank since)
I was at my house
I was with my husband
and honestly I think I was nervously drinking....

I know I emotionally vomited to a few people
I am not gonna apologize for honestly saying how I feel.
There was a great quote I found

"Does my grief make you uncomfortable?
Guess what?
Me too
But my uncomfortable lasts forever
while yours (probably)
last about as long at this sentence does..."

I now live by this quote.
Because suppressing how I feel isn't going to help me with my healing...
And if you don't want to be there during my healing
You don't need to be here at all.

I got past one big fear last weekend
Having people over at the house.

Oh and I bought crackers,
which at my grocery store,
is right by all the baby stuff....

Don't tell me that you understand

I hear it all the time 
I'm so sorry,
I totally understand 
I can't imagine...
No really: You Don't, You can't and you never will...

You weren't there
You weren't pregnant with him.
You weren't on the table when they couldn't find his heartbeat. 
You don't have an empty nursery
You don't have a c section scar
You don't have your baby in an urn....
So stop saying you get it...


Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know
Don't tell me that I will survive
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry


Anonymous

The Hospital

James and I had to go back there

Needless to say leaving the drs office was a slew of emotions. 

There was no parking and I kinda was glad I thought we might not have to go in. 

I freaked out and James had started the car for us to leave 

But he finally calmed me down and we went in. 

I was hoping it would be a quick in an out 

Not see any pregnant women 

Or babies 

But it wasn't 

I had to go back into the same room they checked me in at that day

I had to be asked the same million questions I was asked that morning 

And I just didn't want to do it.
I started crying and probly looked crazy like I always do
and James finally got the hint and answered all the questions they were asking...
Its not like he didnt know the answers
but we got through it...
Im so glad thats over for now...

A friend said "You're gonna have to go back there when you are pregnant right?"
And yes I will...
but Im hoping its different.

Nailed It!!!!!!!

I came across this letter on a support page Im a part of
It is literally everything I feel....



“I awoke this morning feeling so great. It’s been a year and a half since my 18-year-old son died, and I can finally say that I’ve worked through the grief and I am back to normal. Thank you to everyone that told me to take all the time I needed. Time certainly does heal all wounds. Now, maybe you can tolerate being my friend again as I am now the same person as I was before my son died.

And, you were right to tell me that Danny is in a better place, and that I must feel good knowing that he is not suffering any more. I do hope your children go to that better place as soon as possible so you, too, can experience such comforting thoughts.

And, thank you for telling me that you know just how I feel as many of you (my friends) have experienced loss. Loss of parents, grandparents, and even pets. At first I felt so alone and my pain so minimized by your words, but after time and getting over the initial year-long shock, I realize that the loss of a child is no more profound or devastating than that of your beloved pet. Thank you for setting me straight and making me realize that loss is loss. And, that someone who loves their pet dearly suffers the same devastation as that of a parent who loses a child.

On a couple of occasions over the past 18 months I have shared with some the overwhelming sadness in my heart, and all-over physical pain that can threaten at any given time to debilitate me. I was criticized and told that these feelings were not okay. I was informed that Danny didn’t want me to be in pain and that he would be very unhappy if he knew the extent of my suffering. Thank you for that admonishment, as of course you do know better than I.

I already suffer with the guilt of having failed to keep my son safe and healthy while he was alive. I didn’t realize that I could continue to fail my child even after death. I really appreciate the added guilt that I was perhaps making my son unhappy even in heaven.

Oh, and as so many of you have pointed out, at least I have other children. Yes, loving my other children and tending to their needs sure makes losing Danny so much easier to handle. Whenever I expressed any upset at the hurtful, insensitive support, I was quickly told I should appreciate the fact that people mean well and that sometimes they just don’t know what to say. Thank you for pointing this out. I now realize that along with my heavy burden of grief, I must also make sure that I smile and say ‘thank you’ no matter what is said. The grieving parent must not ever upset the well-intentioned by being honest!

I think it’s about time grieving parents tell the truth!! We don’t need to be bullied into being okay with whatever is being said just because it is well-intentioned. There is rampant grief illiteracy among the vast majority of people. The only ones who can bring about change are the grieving parents, so let’s start by being honest about cruel, hurtful, minimizing platitudes. We can do so kindly and tactfully. I appreciate that you care and that you mean well. Your support means a lot to me. Your words, however, are painful to hear. Let me share with you what would be helpful.

What grieving parents would appreciate:

Ask about our child – anything is fine. Don’t act like he never existed. Trust me, you may think you are reminding us of our pain, but you’re not. Our pain is always there.
Share a memory you have of my child.
Send me flowers on his birthday or his death day. Those are hard, hard days.
Grieve with us. Listen to us. And, most of all be willing to learn. We don’t need advice. Again – we do not need advice. Just remember him.
Know that I am forever changed, and accept that fact. I will never be just like I was before. This grief is different than any other. We know because we have lost pets, parents, and grandparents, uncles, aunts, and even spouses and siblings.

Our hope and our task are to learn to balance the pain and incorporate it into our lives. In order to survive it at all, the grief must become part of who we are forever.”

Sincerely,
Maureen McGowan
Bereaved Mother

It doesn't make sense

Where are you going....

I live on an island
in a really small town.
There are a few ways to get to the main roads
but I oddly hate going certain ways. 

I find myself going the long way
because I don't want to pass by the funeral home.

I've been to that place 4 times.

To you that is nothing.

But for me that is 4 times too many.

The first time we were there
I physically saw and touched him for the first time. 
Nothing ever prepares you to see your baby 
but the first time it being at a funeral home
is something I can not put into words. 

The second time was to bring them his homecoming clothes.
The little outfit we had so excitedly packed away in my hospital bag at 37 weeks. 
We had asked them the first time there if we could have him dressed nicely.
Even though we didn't have a funeral I still wanted him to be dressed nice and comfy.
I emotionally couldn't do it so they did and had us come back.

When we went in the third time we got to see him again, and for the last time.
He was dressed in that outfit

and
he
looked 
perfect. 

The last time we went there was to get his ashes. 
A tiny little gold urn
with a tiny little gold plaque 
with his little name
and the date.

The day that was supposed to be the biggest day of our lives.
And it is
And it always will be. 

Lies

My mom, she tells a lot of lies. 
She never did before. 
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is,
And because she can't explain, 
She will tell a little lie 
Because she can't describe the pain. 
Ask my mom how she is, 
She'll say that she's alright. 
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She doesn't have a choice, you see.
Nor the strength enough to yell.
Ask my mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth.
Just say your heart is broken.
She will love me all her life.
I sure loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen.
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky you got in here mom,
With all the lies you told!"
-Author Unknown 

Im Sorry

Im sorry that you are so pathetic and feel that you need to harass a grieving family.
Im sorry that you have nothing better to do with your life. 
Im sorry that your parents never taught you how to shut your fucking mouth if you have nothing nice to say

I obviously have some impact on you since you keep coming back...
Just cant leave well enough alone can you....

Ive had over 50,000 views on this blog
200 comments 
and so many mothers thanking me for being a voice of strength for them when they thought they had no one else who understood. 

You are doing nothing but adding fuel to my fire
Im only gonna write more, 
talk louder
and love harder.

And so help me god
when I find out who you are
its coming honey...
watch out. 

Seriously...Again....?

Its really pathetic you have nothing better to do then to hassle a grieving mother...
As if my life right now isnt already hard enough, you adding your immature bullshit really isn't helping.
Fuck off and leave me alone.
And again if you are gonna talk shit
stop being such a pussy
and say it to my face!!!!!

Oh and your user name....
hahaiwinnn...
no one wins when a baby dies...
Grow up.