One Month

One month 

4 weeks 

30 days

720 hours

43,200 minutes

2,592,000 seconds

There are days where it feels like it happened yesterday. 

Like I was just told for the first time. 

It's like a broken record, playing over and over again. 

I can't help but talk about him. 

I miss him. 

I want to be making memories with him but I can't. 

I was so excited for all of his firsts that were supposed to happen...

I had imagined his first thanksgiving full of football, the dog show and parade. 

I was so excited for him to meet his aunt for her birthday, his first Christmas photos with Santa and midnight kisses on New Years...

I know I can't sit here and dwell on all the coulda woulda shoulda but I can't help it. 

For now I can only look back at the past.

The last 9 months and remember the good times I had with him...

It was supposed to be different....

I went and picked up my sister today.
She came up for what was supposed to be a super fun birthday weekend and meeting Bug...
Of course seeing her made me cry and think of all the things this visit was supposed to be,
her meeting her nephew for the first time,
coming and seeing me and James
and having fun.
It will be somewhat of a healing weekend for her...shes not been able to really process and grieve like everyone else, and she was really involved in my pregnancy, baby shower, and everything Bug...
I just hope I'm able to keep it together for a portion of her stay.
After I started crying I said I was sorry...I didn't want to ruin her birthday and visit.
She said "There is no way you could ruin it. I don't care about my birthday. I'm here for you."

only for you...

Tis the season for giving

If you are planning on donating to a charity this year, please consider the March of Dimes. Now until 2013 they will match donations 100%. 

Many of my friends and family have already donated in memory of Bug and it means the world to my husband and I. 

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.marchofdimes.com%2F&h=3AQGKKq9s&enc=AZNDE310kTpARTQrosn7Wbg-4pTmffNbLI7Mmryi5_dJRjJ9x1JGarOsiWWg-gc0lOclw26wKoXLUD2b2VjD_XgQcTcTbZXELXYNIFGJqkU-QuWK--f-kcGav0TLkymRDuyqaU0UcCzan0OokkUl5pNe&s=1

Boxes

All I have left of my son is in boxes. 

The drive home from the hospital I had a little memory box on my lap

Leaving the funeral home I had a tiny gold box in my hands

The first time I held my son he was in that tiny gold box. 

A gold box so little you wouldn't even know what to use it for...but my baby is in it.

I for an hour cried and just wanted to hold that box, my baby, our son, but James had quietly taken it away.

It hurts so much to see that box, I cry every time I look at it...

It hurts so much to know that's my baby...

I'm not ready

verb

1. 1.

   prepare (someone or something) for an activity or purpose.

   
   

I'm not ready to make that drive again

To walk through that office

To see their faces 

To be in that room

To talk to the doctor 

I'm not ready for tomorrow...

Shit, I wasn't ready for today...

I'm not ready for the tears I know that are going to come and the emotions I'm going to feel. 

I don't think I'll ever be ready...

I think it's funny 

you don't think you're ever ready to be a parent and you then get 9 months to try and wrap your head around it and finally when you think you're ok 

like a rug it's ripped out from under you...

in a second the air you breathe is gone...

none of these things are you ever ready for...

I know it's coming...but I'll never be ready for it... 

I shouldnt have to say it....

Sometimes not saying anything at all is the best thing...you have no idea how many times Ive heard the wrong things and I just want to scream...I understand everyone goes through loss and grief differently, but please dont tell me how to do it, what I should be feeling or how Im going to feel. Im coping with all of this the best that I can...

Everything hurts

Today is one of those days where every little thing makes me cry. 

I woke up to the today show talking about how a parent should never have to bury their child...that started a whole slew of emotions and feelings and crying...and to top it off the next segment was about baby names...

Stephanie moved all the baby stuff out of the living room before we came home from the hospital and it feels so empty. I was so used to seeing his lamb chair and the pack and play...now it doesn't feel right.

It's my second day home alone since James went back to work and I hate the quiet. 

The funeral home called and that was not a call I was ready for or even expecting...

I honestly don't even know what's happening anymore. 

I don't eat 

I can't sleep 

I just wanna be alone. 

I for the first time let my phone completely shut off for 3 days straight. No phone calls no txts no Facebook no nothing. 

I just want to hibernate and come out when everything is ok again...

 

Thank You

James and I would like to say thank you for the outpouring of love and support during this difficult time. 

We know that some of you are at a loss of words or how to help after the passing of our son. If you would like to help, here's one way we think would be meaningful. 

Donations in memoriam of Bug Buchanan can be made to the March of Dimes, The  Dougy Center or The Starlight Legacy Foundation. 

Any donation ,big or small, is greatly appreciated to any of these foundations for the work that they do and in helping us remember Bug. 

Today is your day

40 weeks of growing you was to come to the happiest of days today by welcoming you into the world. 

I can only hope you passed peacefully and got the warmest and biggest of welcomes when you arrived.

I love you Bug, and wish more then anything that you were here, that we could enjoy your pouty lips, 10 perfect little fingers and toes, and that head full of curly black hair.

But that is not our reality. 

None the less, we still love you, will always love you, and miss you madly. I hope you are happy, safe and sound. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

There are no happy endings.

Endings are the saddest part, 

So just give me a happy middle

And a very happy start.

Shel Silverstein

1 week = 7 days = 168 hours = 10,080 minutes = 604,800 seconds

Time has never gone by so slow...

It has never hurt so much to live another day...

I keep replaying that day over and over again in my mind trying to figure out what I did wrong. 

I keep reliving the moment when she said he was no longer alive. 

I remember how fast the appointment went from us  laughing and joking to me screaming, James crying, then silence. 

It feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground, stomped on it and walked away. 

The first time I ever said my sons  name was for a death certificate

The first time I get to hold my son will be me getting his ashes back 

The ride home from the hospital should have been the scariest yet most exciting drive of our life. 

But instead it was quiet, both of us crying , wishing we were taking our boy home.

My sleepless nights should be full of feedings diaper changes and baby snuggles not my uncontrollable crying. 

And just when you think you can't cry anymore, there is somehow a reservoir of tears your body finds and it starts all over again. 

People should be coming over to the house to offer congratulations not condolences 

They tell you it all gets easier

 I just want to know when. 

RIP BUG

It is with the saddest of hearts we inform you that Marisa delivered our baby boy on November 14th via c section. At the 38 week routine visit that day, no fetal heartbeat was detected. He had unfortunately passed away earlier that morning. We ask that you please give us the time and space we need to grieve, heal and deal with all of this, as for this was not the outcome anyone imagined. 

Well.....

Wide awake, super anxious and just waiting for something to happen. I'm so tired of being pregnant and just want him out!! I'm getting no sleep partly because I'm so uncomfortable and the damn time change especially in my state threw me off. 

I'm pretty sure he's "dropped" since I can now breathe (which is a wonderful feeling ) and the few pants I did fit in fit a little differently. Plus the pressure down there....Lort, I went over a speed bump and I ain't never held my legs so tight together! I thought that thing was gonna pop out on the floor of the car! Hahahaha! Besides that, no changes really. Everything hurts just as bad, I'm still puking up everything annnnnnd like I said before I'm over being preggo. 

T minus 6 weeks!

Had Bugs 34 week appointment on monday! Also booked our hospital walk through and room...which is just ridiculous. I thought we would never get to this point! I can't wait for this to be overrrrrrrr! 

Called around and "interviewed" and will soon meet with some pediatricians and make a decision soon. I feel like all the big important things are done. Still gotta pack mine and Bugs bags, install the car seat and finish up his room but I have no drive to do any of those things. I'm so tired hungry and sore that all I do is eat and sleep! 

Saturday we have maternity/anniversary photos and on Sunday I will be 35 weeks! 

Lets just get this over with!! 

A chair is just a chair...

Welp things are staring to come together! Bugs room has been painted, crib put up and clothes starting to get organized, but once he's here I'm sure it will all feel real. 

I just barfed in my mouth...a little...

This indigestion is killing me. It's not heart burn (thank goodness) but I can't lay down flat. I am very conscious about what I eat and I eat small meals but this is ridiculous! The past few nights I've had to sleep propped up... 

Lets hope this passes soon... 

Who am I kidding...

I gotta go refluff my pillows and hope I can get some sleep. 

T minus 8 weeks!

Bug had his 32 week appointment today and things are looking great!! 

James got to see him on the ultrasound and hear the heartbeat which was the first time since 20 weeks so that's always exciting :) 

He FINALLY flipped and is head down ready for his big arrival! 

We got all the information to look for birthing classes, pediatricians, and all things baby for life here on the island so things are slowly coming together! 

I think once the room is painted and the crib is up things will be real! 

(Yes I'm 32 weeks and still in a state of denial...don't judge me) 

I don't need a napkin

I have my stomach! Hahaha! I'm really bad about it too so my shirts at the end of the day have questionable stains and food makeup or whatever remnants on it. And what's even worse is I don't know I'm doing it till after the damage is done haha! Only a few more weeks of a napkin belly! 

Look at dat!

Saw my little man today! He got a completely healthy checkup measured 3-3.5lbs! Kidneys are normal which was why we were seeing him in the first place.    Got lots and lots of ultrasound pics for his baby book and can't wait to show them to his daddy who I get to finally be with next week!!!!!!!! 

We are 29 weeks and getting closer and closer to his arrival which they are now saying is November 20th so who knows when he makes his debut, as long as its before thanksgiving!! 

Do you wanna fanta? No no I do not.

Had my glucose test yesterday. Was by far the nastiest thing I've ever tasted in my life. Little man was kicking away like mad after I drank it tho hahah. 

I am again healthy as a horse, gained 8 lbs and little one is measuring around 3 so were doing great! My sister came to her first baby appointment with me and got to hear his heartbeat which was really cool, she said it sounded like a jelly fish hahaha. 

The ob commented on how at 6 months preggo I have fabulous legs/ankles and have only gained a  baby belly so that makes me feel  better. Although I still look and feel like a whale. 

Specialist appointment next week with my mom then one more appointment in Oregon then I'm on my way to Washington for the home stretch! This baby should start raking in some travel miles! Hahaha