Candles and Shirts

Today was Carters sip and see.
I anxiously ran around the house making sure everything was perfect and ready.
I personally, am absolutely terrified if my house smells bad, so I have candles in every room.
Including the nursery.
The candle in there, I bought for you and what was to be your nursery.
For more then a year that candle, like everything else in that room,  just sat there.
I couldn't smell the "soft candle" scent at Yankee candle for the longest time.
I don't know what compelled me to light that candle today.
I honestly never thought that I would use it.
But I did, and I got a little teary eyed.
Its a soft and comforting smell, but in the instant that I lit it, I was thrown back to being pregnant with you.
walking around the streets of Tanasbourne
excitedly buying that candle
putting it in what was to be your nursery
taking the lid off and letting the scent fill the room and hallway
and talking with the lady about doing candle birth announcements.

And then while getting ready for today,
I realized, again without planning it,
that I was wearing the same shirt that I wore at your baby shower...

And now while writing this I realized that both you and your brother had water/ocean themed parties....

I without being aware of everything, realized that you were here...
and in more ways then one, today out of all days, you showed me.


I have to add that I am quite proud of myself for keeping my shit together today...
This entire journey has been an emotional rollercoaster that I would, more then anything, like to get off of, but unfortunately I dont have that choice.

"You've always been a mom"

moth·er 1  (mŭth′ər)

n.

1.

a. A woman who gives birth to a child.

I want to scream when people say that.
Bug made you a mom....yeah ok, sure...

There's a saying that women are mothers when they find out they are pregnant and men are fathers once they hold the baby.

Well in my case that was not true.

The entire pregnancy I cringed whenever people called me mama, and especially after Bug died.

I am not one of those people that called themselves an angel mom, called him an angel baby etc etc etc.
Those are all such weird titles to me.

It was also a title that I had not yet earned or deserved.

There is a side of the baby loss community that is proud they were pregnant and had their baby and are a mother to an angel, but that was never me.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy I was pregnant as awful as the pregnancy was. But having had a dead baby was not a "proud" moment for me.

To each their own I'm not here to judge I'm only telling you how I feel.

I was recently told by someone the lame ass "Everything happens for a reason. Dont get me wrong you were supposed to have Bug, but not here on this earth or in this lifetime. It's unfortunate you lost him but in turn you gave someone up in heaven a baby they couldn't have here on earth... you gave birth to an angel which is the hardest thing anyone could ever do. And there is a reason you had Carter. You will soon find out."
Uh.
Ok.
Really??!!
Gag me.
Shoot me.
Stab me with a spoon repeatedly....

I can now say I'm a mom....but I wanna smack people who say otherwise.

1 Year 3 Months

65 weeks 

457 days

10,968 hours

658,080 minutes 

39,484,800 seconds 

since I found out I lost my son. 

For the rest of my life this day will be painful. 

And for the rest of my life it will, in February, land on Valentines Day. 

Again this year, James and I didn't really do much if anything about it. 

Its not Valentines day to us anymore. 

My friend is in town, and we went off the island to the movies and the mall.

I had just so happened to get my sisters present for helping us out with Carter, and was told his ring had come in. 

I for the longest time didn't want to get a ring for Carter, that was Bugs thing.

Bugs Ring. 

But after much thinking I wanted one for both of my boys. 

I was given Bugs ring as a memorial piece, had we actually had him it would have been my push present. 

James and I went to Kays, designed it, said what we wanted engraved in it, and a few weeks later picked it up. Its a stackable ring so any other ring made like it would just sit right on top or below it and look like one big ring. 

I am often complimented on his ring.

Im not surprised, its a gorgeous ring. 

But only the people that know me know the meaning behind it. 

When I had Carter, our favorite nurse Pat made it a point to let me keep my Bug ring on during my C section. 

It was my way to have him there for all of it.

I for the past year always looked down at my right hand and saw just Bugs ring. There is not a day that I didn't wear it. Even pregnant and a few super swollen days, that ring stayed on my finger. 

But today for the first time, I had both rings on, for just a split second. 

And it took everything for me not to start bawling in the store. 

I managed to keep it together in the store, but as we were walking away I was telling my friend how I legit had a lump in my throat

seeing both those rings on my finger for the first time.

This week is the last week I will only have Bugs...

It was all bitter sweet that it happened today

on the 14th, which is Bugs day,

for his brother Carter. 

But in a way, I think its Bug.

Being ok and involved in the ever changing life that we now live. 

I don't and will never believe or say things happen for a reason...

but I will say I am picking up what hes putting down. 

 

Both my boys.

I went on an impromptu road trip home to Portland for less then 48 hours.
I didn't want to get anything car related for baby until we knew we were going to have him. When James bought the car seat and stroller weeks before baby was due I freaked.
I remember giving the strollers and car seat to a friend to have her sell them for us because I couldn't bare to see them empty lying around my house anymore.

So a few weeks went by, I finally started driving again, and I decided to buy a mirror so I could see how little man was doing during outings.

After Bug passed I had some memorial jewelry made.
One necklace I have is a pretty piece of citrine, his birth stone, with a hand stamped tag that reads "Bug" on it.

I don't know how it ended up hanging from my rear view mirror but it has been there for almost a year, and I can't seem to take it off.

As I was driving down the freeway I had another one of those moments where things should have been different.
I should have two screaming babies in the backseat.

But in a weird way I actually had both the boys in my car.

As I was looking at Carter in the backseat, the light glimmered on Bugs necklace.
I also remember it glimmering when we brought home Carter from the hospital.

Bug has always been there for me in some way or another, but now hes looking out for his baby brother too.