157,852,800 seconds
2,630,880 minutes
43,848 hours
1827 days
Since I lost my son.
This year was another weird one.
I wasn't in Whidbey, nor Japan with James.
It was obviously on the fore front of my mind, as it always is in November.
James and I oddly had a conversation about it when he asked for pictures of Bug, since in the divorce I was awarded all of his things.
Being in Japan, it was a day earlier for him, we exchanged brief words about it, the pics I have, and we remembered our son.
But that was it.
He is no longer that person or comfort to me anymore.
I posted my pic of him early in the morning around the time we were told he passed.
I was really scared this year because I showed more of him then I ever have before.
Other loss moms have shared full photos only to be told their baby looked dead or ugly and I honestly couldn't bear the thought of anyone saying such a thing.
So I shared the most "normal" picture I had of him, turned off my notifications and went to bed.
My dad took Boov to and from daycare today because I just don't ever function on this day.
He brought him home and he immediately left back to work.
But Boov knew I was sad and was constantly touching me the entire evening.
I tried not to cry but I couldn't help it, and he immediately said
"Oh mama, don't be sad. Its ok."
And gave me a hug.
Which of course only made me cry harder.
I finally got it together enough to do our night night routine, Boov calls it butt books and bed.
But when it came to say good night I leaned in for the hug and he started rubbing my back, and rocking back and forth.
He finally crawled into my lap and let me rock him like when he was little, while he sang rock a bye baby to me, as I was in full on ugly tears, crying all over his face and head.
But not once did he stop, or brush off a tear, or snot.
He just sat there on my lap, singing, rocking and patting...
Eventually the swaying slowed, the patting stopped, his singing became a whisper and he was snoring, asleep in my arms.
Boov somehow knew exactly what I needed.
I just wish my lap had two little boys.
James and I oddly had a conversation about it when he asked for pictures of Bug, since in the divorce I was awarded all of his things.
Being in Japan, it was a day earlier for him, we exchanged brief words about it, the pics I have, and we remembered our son.
But that was it.
He is no longer that person or comfort to me anymore.
I posted my pic of him early in the morning around the time we were told he passed.
I was really scared this year because I showed more of him then I ever have before.
Other loss moms have shared full photos only to be told their baby looked dead or ugly and I honestly couldn't bear the thought of anyone saying such a thing.
So I shared the most "normal" picture I had of him, turned off my notifications and went to bed.
My dad took Boov to and from daycare today because I just don't ever function on this day.
He brought him home and he immediately left back to work.
But Boov knew I was sad and was constantly touching me the entire evening.
I tried not to cry but I couldn't help it, and he immediately said
"Oh mama, don't be sad. Its ok."
And gave me a hug.
Which of course only made me cry harder.
I finally got it together enough to do our night night routine, Boov calls it butt books and bed.
But when it came to say good night I leaned in for the hug and he started rubbing my back, and rocking back and forth.
He finally crawled into my lap and let me rock him like when he was little, while he sang rock a bye baby to me, as I was in full on ugly tears, crying all over his face and head.
But not once did he stop, or brush off a tear, or snot.
He just sat there on my lap, singing, rocking and patting...
Eventually the swaying slowed, the patting stopped, his singing became a whisper and he was snoring, asleep in my arms.
Boov somehow knew exactly what I needed.
I just wish my lap had two little boys.
