4 years

1,461 days

35,064 hours

2,103,840 minutes

126,230,400 seconds

since I lost my son.

I honestly can say that this anniversary has been one of the hardest ones to date. 

Im not at 1449 Central.

I am no longer on Whidbey Island where everything happened.

Im not around the people that understood the magnitude of this day.

I wasn't able to do the things I would normally do to make this day feel "better" 

I didn't get out of bed until 3pm today.
Every little thing made me cry.
I only talked to two people
and I don't care that I did what I did.
Its just what I do to get through this month, these weeks, this day.

I didn't even make it into 2 minutes of return to zero and the uncontrollable crying started.

I always watch this movie 

alone 

on this day, 

and I knew this year it wouldn't be any different.

But for the first time I didn't finish it.
I don't know if I will. 

I was talking with my girlfriend the other day and she asked do you ever look at your life, like you're an outsider looking in, like you aren't really living it?

I said yes.

All the time. 

I still can't believe this day happened. 

I can't believe this happened to me.

You ask me about November 13th and 14th and I can still give you an exact play by play.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Im sure if you asked any loss mom she could tell you the same

I replay this day in my mind over and over again

wondering what I did wrong

what did I miss

why didn't I know

could I have changed the outcome of this day in any way...

I wish more then anything that day ended differently.

And I will for the rest of my life. 

And so it begins....

The beginning of November is always an interesting time for me.

And this year not being home or at least stateside has seemed to make a big difference. 

I can feel myself starting to retreat back into my feelings, mourning, grief, 

whatever you want to call it at this point

while simultaneously lashing out at the people that are closest to me

and only trying to help...

There are many new people in my life at the moment,

who won't or don't understand what these next few weeks will entail. 

They don't understand why the smell of a pumpkin spice latte makes me sick.

or why a certain song will instantly bring me to tears. 

And when I snap or retreat into myself, not answering texts, calls or messages its because Im emotionally spent and just need some time to myself. 

I constantly ask myself when November is going to become easier...