Settled Dust

Reaching for my water bottle to get a drink, 

My hand brushed over Bugs urn 

And there was a little dust on it 

So naturally 

I cleaned it off, then lost my shit. 

My son shouldn't be in a box.

My son should not be collecting dust. 

It's a never ending cycle of kicking up settled dust. 

Literally and now figuratively. 

I miss her

(song starts at :49 seconds)


Alot of people have reached out to me and said
I miss you
and in all honesty I want to reply with
I miss me too...but Im still here.
Barely.

I almost find it easier to explain things in music/song.
Jessie J has a way with words that just is unreal.
I know that I have been distant
but Im sorry
my life
and I
will never be the same

Are there days that I still feel that Ill loose myself in all of this....
I dont even think I need to answer that.

You will always be his dad.

Dear James , 

I know that this is not how you imagined what was supposed to be your first Father's Day. Last year at this time, we were pregnant, and anxiously awaiting his arrival and all of our firsts. 

I, more then anyone, wish this day was different for you. But know that when we finally have a baby, you will be one hell of a dad. 

Da bitches and I are thankful for everything you do. 

I love you and you will always be Bug's dad. 

🐛💔⭐️

7 Months/Fathers Day

   7 months 

30 weeks 

212 days 

5088 hours 

305,280 minutes 

18,316,800 seconds 

Things aren't getting any easier 
some days it feels like it was just yesterday 
I cant shake the feeling that something still isnt right. 

The little things still get me 
the fact that we were going to get Bug
a little swimming pool to wade in 
and instead we got one for the dogs

The fact that tomorrow is Fathers Day 
and last year on this day 
we were anxiously awaiting our little boy
and looking forward to whatever Bug and I 
decided to do for James. 

And I wanted to buy them matching bow ties. 

Theres just the daily painful reminder that we don't have our son. 
Thanks....

Bug's Box Part 2

His box came way faster then I thought it would 

I was hoping I would have some time to process it 

Luckily a friend was over and I was off to get my nails done so I didn't have to be there 

But then I thought how selfish of me 

Poor James is home alone putting together the box for his things...

But on the other side of things maybe James needed this time for reflection and a sense of closure. After all it was his job to find the box and put it together which I never thought would happen so soon...but it did...

Later that night when we went to bed 

I walked into our bedroom to see his little toy chest all put together. 

It perfectly matches our bedroom and his nursery. We just have to make the plaque 

And then it's done.....

For now...

Bug's Box

James was in charge of getting a chest of some kind for Bug's things that we wanted to keep

his memory box 

his pictures

his clothes and bedding.

He came to me this morning saying he had just purchased this chest

and it was weird. 

Things are starting to really be final.

He is really gone.

After all this time of saying I would never put him and his things in a box

we will. 

The chest will be in our room 

and hes getting a little gold plaque 

with his name and such on it

but it just hadn't been brought up in so long

I just never thought it would happen...